The Hikari Who Lost His Light
by Tramontana Keeper
Summary: When is a hikari not a hikari? And what is the true relationship between yami and hikari? Bakura's about to find out...(Oneshot)


So, at the end of a far-too-short Chanuka vacation, here's a story about Light and Dark. Enjoy!

* * *

The Hikari Who Lost His Light

I hate my landlord, my weakling surface-personality, my _hikari_.

How can I not hate him? He is anathema to me. I wonder if he even knows how much I cannot bear him.

A hikari and a yami are opposites, not only in personality, but also in essence. Does he know how he glows with that awful, weak light of his? How no matter what, it always burns at the edges of my mind and dulls my senses? It drives me crazy, this light that refuses to go out. I cannot stand to have this light existing near me! Every moment I feel it, I feel I will be driven out of my mind.  
I must destroy that light. I cannot help but fight against it.  
How does the Pharaoh do it? Somehow, he coexists with his light. Can't he feel it? How it crawls through the senses, blurring and flickering, like an insidious drug?

I. Hate. It.

And I hate him – the pathetic being who holds onto his light so dearly, clinging to it stubbornly, flaunting it before me.  
But I will win. Already the light grows weaker.

When I first met my hikari, he glowed so brightly – I was nearly dazzled. Could humans truly not see this great light that burst forth from him?  
Day by day I worked at his mental walls, isolating him, weakening him. As he grew more alone, his light dulled gradually. After a while, it became nearly bearable.

But that wasn't enough for me. To someone who hasn't experienced it, it's impossible to explain the feeling this light gives. It is a weakness, a scourge. It eats away at you, dulling your edges, blinding you to the world around you.

Now my precious little light is a pale shade of what he once was. True, he still glows, but now it is a pale, flickering, dying glow. Soon even that pathetic glimmer will die as well.  
The prospect excites me like nothing else can. After all, destroying the light completely is the yami's greatest victory!

I pounded away at his consciousness. Pathetic. Weak. Worthless. Helpless.  
Still, he persevered. He clung to his light like a lifeline, refusing to give up. But the light flickered and flickered, encouraging me. An elation like I had never felt before filled me as the glow flickered again…and then hikari let go.  
Something deep within him snapped, and the light was suddenly free. It burst out of his body in an endless shimmering wave…and then vanished into the air.

The light was gone.

I stared in awe at the hikari below me, hardly daring to believe it. It was gone. A feeling of bliss filled me, calming nerves that had been frazzled for so long. I had won.

I watched my once-hikari curiously. Suddenly, he looked different. I had always been rather proud of how beautiful my hikari was – but suddenly, he wasn't. His pearly white hair suddenly seemed gray, as opposed to white, clinging limply to his face. His eyes were no longer a warm brown – they had dulled to a tired, defeated darkness. Even his skin lost its luster. It was as if some important thing within him had been the source of his beauty, and was now gone.

I'd like to say that already then I had premonitions of what I had caused, but…I didn't.

Then I realized what I sensed instead of the infuriating light. Void. Suddenly, my hikari was a blank void, a bottomless pit, reaching out tendrils to try and fill itself. I could no longer sense his mind – it was cut off by the same yawning hole. I could feel it reaching out tendrils, trying to suck me into it.

I bolted.

I tore out of the room, shutting the door behind me and leaning against it, panting. What _was_ that?  
I was truly afraid. I could sense him –it – I didn't know what to call him anymore! – on the other side of the door, desperately reaching out towards the nearest source of energy – me. I had no doubt that if he latched onto me he would suck me dry, leaving me an empty shell, just like he was right now.

Was he aware of the world around him? Did he know what had happened to him? Did he hate me?

For the first time since he had awakened me, I was completely alone inside my mind. I no longer had a hikari.

It didn't make sense to me. He had always been my hikari! We were supposed to be inseparable! But…he was no longer a hikari, he didn't have his light anymore.  
Could a yami exist without a hikari?

As an added precaution, I barricaded the door from my side, locking him in the living room. Only then did I notice that I had effectively blocked myself away from the kitchen and front door. I slumped against the door, before making my decision.

As quietly as I could, I sneaked out of the room, looking for him. I found him sitting by the window, mindlessly pawing at a patch of sunlight on the floor. I must have made some noise, for he immediately looked up and started towards me.  
I backed away, keeping a safe distance from him, even as I felt my darkness being sucked up, and led him into his room.  
I hadn't been quite sure what I would do with him, but the problem solved itself. His desk lamp was on. He made a beeline for it the moment he saw it, staring at the light as though mesmerized. I retreated.

I don't know how long after that, maybe more than an hour, I suddenly wondered what was going on with him. He revolted me completely; he even – I am loath to say – frightened me. But at the same time, I felt a strange fascination with him. I couldn't help but look at him and remember the hikari he once was, try to find some last vestige of his light. I walked cautiously back to his room.  
He was still sitting where I had left him, still pawing at the hot light bulb. His hands were red with burns, and he whimpered each time he tried to reach the light at the center of the bulb, only to jerk his hands back in pain. Again and again, I watched this process repeated, until I could stand it no longer. Maybe it was compassion. Maybe I just couldn't stand seeing him continue to burn himself in such a repetitive, thoughtless, compulsive way. With one swift movement, I jerked the cord out of the electricity. The light vanished abruptly, and he blinked in confusion, looking around for where it had gone. I left him like that.

I stayed away from him after that. I would stay away from the house, or away from his room. I couldn't stand what he had become. I was restive, constantly pacing and breaking things for no reason, quickly exiting any room he entered.

One day I noticed that he had vanished. The housewas quiet, peaceful. There was no more void searching for me, trying to suck me up. No more infuriating light.

I thought every thing would be okay then. It wasn't. I couldn't do anything. I would sit down to watch television, only to jump up a moment later, cursing. I couldn't steal. I couldn't concentrate. I would find my hands shaking for no reason at all when I tried to hold something. I was hungry, but food made me sick. Constantly, I felt a tug at my very soul, reaching out for something that had vanished. The world seemed to be deteriorating into black and white; everything was dark around me, except for patches of bright, white light.  
Like a drug addict with no drug, I craved the light. I kept all the lights on in the house, just to keep away the darkness that threatened to overcome my vision. I would roll on the floor in agony, screaming his name, crawl through the house blindly searching for him.

I have no idea how long was the period that I spent in that lost state, helplessly searching for the light. The darkness was pulling me in – and I discovered that I couldn't stand it. I knew, without a doubt, that it would overwhelm me, toss me into blackness to vanish forever.  
Somehow, I escaped that torturous house. I wandered the streets aimlessly, helplessly searching. I found myself at the door of a different house, drawn there by some subconscious urge, or maybe pure luck.

I stared at the door blankly, hardly comprehending what I should do with it, before I remembered to knock. An angry shout from inside, a startled reply, and feet scurrying – and the door opened on light. Pure, bright, wonderful, light.

Without thinking, I latched onto that amazing light, pulling the hikari close and clinging to him with all my strength, soaking his light into me. He was not my hikari, and in reality his light was as weak and flickering as my own hikari's had been. But at the time, he seemed like the brightest light in the world.

And then another yami was there. Yami Malik. I finally looked up from the light, and registered the world around me. It had been so long since I had seen things properly, not felt that torn hole inside of me!

The yami was staring at me with an expression of nearly disgust. For the first time in weeks, I wondered how I looked. Apparently, I was quite a frightening sight. I followed Yami Malik into the house, dragging the hikari with me. Poor hikari – he was so confused. He allowed himself to be dragged, he was too cowed to do otherwise, but I could sense his fear. Now that I was feeling a bit better, I realized how weak Malik's light actually was. His yami hadn't understood what I had.

I tried to explain it to the yami. I tried to make him understand what he was doing, what would happen to him and his light if he continued like this.  
He didn't understand. How could he understand? He hadn't felt it like I had. I desperately wanted to take this hikari away with me, this poor abused hikari, and make him happy. I would do anything to make his light shine brightly once again. Finally, I told Yami Malik I was taking his hikari. He didn't care – he was still caught up in the vain hatred I had once known.

I took Malik home with me. He didn't understand what was happening, but he didn't fight me. I vowed inside my head that I would have him glowing as brightly as the Pharaoh's hikari someday! He could never replace my own lost hikari, but he was enough to satisfy my craving for light. Yami Malik was such a fool, handing over his hikari willingly! I knew that there was no way I would give up this hikari, now that I had him.

Malik was shy, timid, nothing like the brash nutcase he used to be. His yami had done this to him? I wondered how long it would take to undo it.  
Time passed. His light grew stronger with every concession I made to him. It amazed me how responsive he was to the least kindness on my part; I could see changes in him practically from day to day. Not only did his light grow stronger, but he also grew to love me fiercely. How could I have been so stupid before? Crushing the light is not the solution. Now, not only did I have the light I needed so badly, but I had my hikari's – for by now I thought of Malik as such – complete adoration. He would do practically anything for me.

Did he know how I was bound to him? Maybe that was the secret the Pharaoh found so easily. It doesn't take much to make a hikari completely yours – that is their nature. And they need never know that they are the ones with the true power, the ones we yamis cannot exist without. Now that I have experienced for a short while how it is to live without the light, I have come to the realization that the yami is nothing without his hikari.

And Malik's former yami? He hasn't realized that. He's stuck in the darkness, wandering and lost, because he didn't realize that in order to gain everything, you have to be willing to give everything as well.

* * *

Finally, I understand. Oh, how well I understand now. But it's too late. Curse that Tombrobber – damn him to all the hells and beyond. He _knew_ what he was doing when he took my hikari away from me, and I bet he laughed all the way home. 

The first thing to go was the mental link. It got so I couldn't read my hikari's mind, I couldn't even contact him. Stupidly, I refused to be bothered. I waited, I ignored it, and now it's too late. Soon after I lost the mental link, I started seeing things. I heard the darkness whispering to me, claiming me. I had always prided myself on being the darkest of the yamis, being pure darkness. What utter idiocy. When I finally felt the _real_ pure darkness reaching out to me, I finally understood that I could have no part of it. It was so deeply black it would swallow me whole and leave nothing.  
It was the first time in my life I remember being scared. I stopped eating. I couldn't sleep, I was so afraid the darkness would claim me. I heard voices, some too high to understand, some too low, and I saw shadows flickering in the corners of my vision. Finally, I fled. I went to the Tombrobber's house, already a wreck, to get my hikari back. He was _my_ hikari, wasn't he? He had to come back.

When he opened the door, I was nearly blinded. The light was so bright it hurt me. But at the same time I loved it, my entire being cried out in utter ecstasy, and I knew this was what I needed.  
He pushed me away. I was so far gone, I can barely remember now what he said, only the numbness I felt. He shoved me away. He said I was no longer his yami. He didn't need, or want me anymore. Go away. And he closed the door.

I was lost. There was no longer any hope for me. I didn't have the strength to fight to take him back. The darkness around me exulted, and I fled. I couldn't run far, or fast enough, though.

Then, I don't even know when, or where, I found _him_. It was raining, and I stumbled into an alley – and there was light. Lost, broken, so small nobody else might notice it was even there – but there was light. I collapsed next to him, so utterly thankful that it blocked out everything, even the voices. There, in the rain, I clung to his wet body, and swore to him that he'd be okay. I knew I would take him home, and give him everything he ever wanted. I would do anything for him, if he would only be my hikari. My salvation.

* * *

"It's good to see you again, Ryou. Are you getting better now?" 

"Yes, finally, thank goodness!"

"You look better. Is…is he treating you alright?"

"Actually, you wouldn't believe how nice he can be. In fact, sometimes _I_ have a hard time believing it. But everything's so much better now. This time last year I would never have believed it possible."

"Ditto for me."

"Malik, do you ever think about switching back?"

"I don't think that's a good idea. I think…I think that ever since we switched, something tore inside them, and as long as we stay this way the 'wound' stays open, reminding them that they need us. And besides, I'm…"

"Happy?"

"Yeah."

"I know what you mean."


End file.
